nohabitshere | (no subject)

Oh?

Seems simpler.

I dunno about that.

Well, I mean... once they make the decision, then all the temptations from the outside world are gone, at least physically. So I think it'd be easier to stick to your vows.

....are you feeling tempted?

You know the answer to that.

I've already been to Confession and I don't feel any better.

I dunno, cherie.

Maybe you should live a little before you lock it up. The nice thing about being Catholic is that you can repent anything.

We kissed. But he was really drugged up and it was a bad decision not only because of that.

Why don't you tell me why this bothers you so much? Is it just the temptation of the flesh thing?

Novitiates aren't supposed to date. And this is worse than that because it's just - it's kissing a boy I'm not even involved with. And we really don't have much in common and clearly it isn't going to end in, like, marriage so why should I give up my calling to a religious life just because I find myself suddenly completely infatuated with a boy? It's not like I haven't had crushes before, after all, but I decided that God was more important and now I just feel ...lost.

Ah. See, this is why I like you. It is not temptation of the flesh but of the heart. Oh, cherie. You've got SOUL!

Why is the Church the authority on God?

Well, I mean, there's a bit of the flesh part, too.

Because Christ started the Church by anointing Peter the first Pope.

DUH. He's so hot. It makes me weak in the knees.

Yeah but like, how do we know that maybe Peter had a different view on dating? Maybe they never write it down properly.

Hell, what would all the women of the Church who we never heard about say about the issue? I bet they'd wanna get nailed too.

I don't know.

Look. I don't agree with the Church much. The stuff that I love about it (and yes, FINE, there's still stuff I love about it) is so often buried in corruption and hate, and it hurts.

But I respect your faith. And as much as I joke about me making you fall from grace, I don't actually want to ruin you. I want you to be happy and strong and amazing, because... I dunno. Just because. Because you're ginger.

And I frankly think that God is NOT tempting you. I think if anything He is showing you choices and opportunities.

I hate not knowing what to do or what God's path is for me. I was so sure about it and now I'm not sure about anything.

I don't know what choice God wants me to make, no matter how hard I pray. I hate this.

It's scary, I know. But I find people who are 100% sure are often delusional and dangerous.

Maybe you're praying too loud and you need to shut up and listen.

Do you think I'm over-thinking this? It kind of feels like this, but.. it's either I think about it or I cry and I'm getting tired of crying.

I don't think you should cry, cherie. You kissed a boy. So what? Would God - a really truly loving God like the one we knew as children - really begrudge you that?

But I promised Him that I wouldn't do any of that. That I'd focus my life on Him. And instead I meet a boy and three weeks later I'm considering throwing that all to the side just because of his laugh.

God works in mysterious ways.

I feel like... I'm going to let everyone down no matter what I choose. And like I need to choose quickly. But it's.. Maybe I should talk to Tony.

You don't need to choose quickly. That's just your mind pressuring you because it's confused.

Ouais, talk to him. But not until he's healed up. He feels bad enough already.

Do you think I should just.. keep my distance for a bit?

No, not really, unless you're truly uncomfortable.

I wish I could just go to bed tonight and wake up and it'd all be fixed.

I can't not avoid him and not talk about it, though... It'll seem like I'm avoiding the topic.

I know the feeling.

You're not bad, you know.

Well. Whatever you think is best then, cherie. Wait til he's released at least, then take care of it.

I feel a little bad.

Maybe I will just sleep on it and... well, it won't be fixed, but I can at least be a little more rational.

Why?

Rational can help.

I just... feel like I betrayed God by becoming interested in Tony. And like I was unfair to Tony, like I am unfair to Tony, by letting him know of my interest before I've decided what to do about it. Although I guess it's obviously not completely my decision where we go from here.

Answer me this honestly: have I betrayed God by falling for men?

Tony's not dumb. He knows nothing is easy, and feelings are frankly new to him too.

I don't think so. But I don't know. Obviously I'm not the best person to go to for catechizes.

That's true. You're right.

Then why would God be mad at you? S/He is love.

I frequently am!

Because I'm weak. And because I broke my promise. I was vain and set myself up as holier than I really am and at the first sign of temptation, I came crashing down.

You're looking at this from a very narrow point of view.

I know.

You know what you should do?

Sleep on it. Listen to dreams. Like... okay, this is pure blasphemy probably, but I know a woman who swears you get messages that way.

...Yeah, I think that's pretty heretical. Especially since dreams are just our unconscious minds trying to make sense of the random neuron firing going on. My dreams are usually retellings of Disney movies.

She says we can hear things when our conscious minds aren't junking it up.

I personally don't believe that, at least.

Might be worth a shot.

She's spooky, this woman.